In my week-long absence from writing, I’ve been bombarded with articles listing off all the trends women love, that men hate.
Not once have a seen a single piece of writing that features all the fashion things men do that women hate.
Apparently, if we stopped wearing these trends so proudly, we’d be instantly more attractive and more appealing to men.
If you guys can critique us based on the things we like to wear, then I see no reason why I can’t poke and prod at all the annoying things you all think are ‘cool’ and ‘attractive’.
I tell you what, you probably wouldn’t look so bad if you paid attention to me and dressed for women rather than yourself. I can’t make you less of a disrespectful ass but I can make you look pretty.
So, you don’t like my red lipstick, my wedge heels or any of my high-waisted jeans? Don’t worry, there are plenty of things that a lot of men do that I hate just as much.
You might hate my high-waisted skinny jeans, but I don’t think any man has the right to complain about them. Certainly not any man who’s ever dared to bare their old boxers to the world by sagging their jeans so low they can’t walk any more gracefully than an intoxicated penguin.
You know what I’m talking about. It may be news to you, but women don’t find that attractive. The amount of times I’ve seen guys arrogant and confident in how cool they look with their jeans around their knees is overwhelming, and it doesn’t look cool. It looks outrageously stupid.
Oh, look at you, did you forget how to dress yourself? There’s a reason belts exist, and that is because nobody wants to see your underwear (well... maybe in some situations that’s the goal, but it certainly isn’t mine when I go into town for a hot chocolate, and either way that is not appropriate for public places).
I bet all of the men who feel trendy for doing that have no idea where the ‘saggy jeans’ trend originated from, too, because if they did they wouldn’t do it. Interested? Sagging your jeans at the back actually comes from prisons, and was used as a way for male inmates to show that they were available for intercourse with other inmates. So... You’d better hope you don’t happen to bump into an offender with your jeans like that.
Not trendy, not dignified, and guys, women don’t like it.
Speaking of jeans, women also don’t like it when you guys wear skinny jeans. I mean, they never fit properly. They’re either too baggy and just look ridiculous, or so tight that you look like a stick insect. You shouldn’t be trying to fit yourself into a pair of tight jeans that are just going to make you look weedy and small. Nobody looks good in skinny jeans. Women get away with it, because they’re shaped to fit us, but you guys aren’t girls so you shouldn’t even try.
You know what’s worse? Men trying to wear women’s jeans. Actual women’s jeans. Why? They’re not made for you and I can tell you now they look even worse than skinnies made especially for men! They look awful when you pair them with huge baggy shirts, as a lot of men seem to. You look bulky on top and then there are these two tiny twigs poking out from underneath!
This covers ‘meggings’, too (male leggings). Stop wearing them. They look overwhelmingly silly and they’re worse than jeans, because when you wear leggings, you cannot move. If you move whilst wearing leggings, they stretch and become transparent. That is not attractive and it certainly isn’t going to help you pull anyone. Put your pants away, for god’s sake.
Another thing men said they don’t like women wearing are short shorts. Alright, really? It’s hot out and we want to wear shorts because they’re comfortable and cooler than jeans in hot weather! I’d have thought you’d appreciate the legs. The view you’re getting from my short shorts is a damn site more than a judgemental idiot like yourself deserves, and is ever likely to get from any decent woman.
Fair enough, though, you can have your opinion. So long as you don’t wear shorts yourself. Fine, wear long shorts or bermudas but whatever you do, please, please don’t wear short shorts. The last thing any woman wants to see is you squeezed into a tiny pair of shorts, just barely covered by the straining sheets of denim you’ve forced yourself into. They don’t work. If you don’t think women can wear them well then what makes you think that you can?
Small children can get away with it, but grown men cannot. Basically: We won’t be happy whether you wear tight, baggy or cropped jeans. There’s something wrong with all of the jeans you guys like to wear. Maybe you should try skirts instead? Oh no that’s right - you said you didn’t like those either.
Come to think of it, we have the same problem with shirts. You look silly in tight shirts. We don’t want to see your nipples and beer guts sticking through the material because you bought your shirt in a size too small, or couldn’t be bothered to size up when you gained weight.
That said, baggy shirts aren’t really attractive either. I want to have an idea what your figure’s like and I can’t see that under a mass of jersey draped over your shoulders to your knees. The least you could do is buy the right size... Buying the right size applies to your jeans as well as your shirts.
Jeans and T-shirt both too tight? You look like a condom filled with soft cheese, or a sausage skin packed with too much meat. A stomach roll cascading out over the top of your jeans waistband because they’re too small isn’t going to get you any girls. You don’t even need to have a big gut to fall victim to this. All you need is a pair of jeans that are too tight (and I’m sure I’ve mentioned too-tight jeans already, haven’t I?)
Here’s another one for you: Gym clothes outside of the gym. Come on! It isn’t difficult to put a pair of jeans on, is it? You look like a chav on benefits when you leave the house wearing your grey joggers with a matching hoodie and some tatty old Nikes. Those clothes are great for working out and no woman will ever judge you for wearing them when you go out for a run, but we will judge you if you wear them out for a meal somewhere or when you go shopping. I love my cycle shorts and my sports bras but I would never wear them anywhere other than the gym, and I don’t expect you to either (I wouldn’t even expect you to be wearing a sports bra in the gym, to be honest).
Jeans are so comfortable and look so much better than those oversized sweats you all seem to love so much, even if we don’t like your jeans very much either. They’re better than sweatpants. The only people who can wear tracksuits outside of the gym are small children, and people who are just on their way home from the gym and want to stop for a drink. Once they get home though, there’s no excuse. It’s either get changed or stay home. Trackies are for the gym and that’s where they should stay.
Now that’s most of the clothing sorted; onto your shoes. Men don’t like wedge heels, apparently, or Ugg boots. I don’t like Ugg boots, but they’re so comfortable I can justify women wearing them.
You know what I absolutely can’t justify? Socks with sandals! Now women do this sometimes too, but we’re allowed to, because we dress for ourselves. You men, on the other hand, ought to start dressing to impress women, which means you need to stop wearing socks with your sandals. Wear trainers if you have to wear socks. Wear Converse or Doc Marten’s (but not those girly ankle boots I know a lot of men wear - we like our men to look like men, thanks).
Anything, so long as it isn’t sandals. Girls suffer high heels with no socks for whole days at a time, so I think you can cope with a pair of comfy sandals with your toes out for a day, don’t you? If you’re going to cover your feet there’s no point wearing sandals at all, so just don’t. I also don’t like your huge, pointy dress shoes. You are not a stereotypical emo kid and you aren’t a vampire trying to look scary and sophisticated, so stop.
Big feet aren’t really a turn on, especially not when your shoes have a huge point at the end. Just wear the right size without the extra length, alright? You look like a clown.
Come to think of it, trainers aren’t really cool either. Like I said about tracksuits: They belong at the gym. Obviously man-boots are a rubbish idea and make you look like a girl, and then there are those childish Velcro shoes. Why? Didn’t you learn to tie shoe laces when you were little? I don’t like trainers much but Velcro shoes are so much worse.
You know what else women don’t like? Your lipstick, or your foundation or eyeliner. Actually, we just don’t like it when you wear more make-up than we do. Obviously this doesn’t apply to as many people as the last few, but that is not the point. Why do you think you look good with make-up on?
As I said earlier: You’re a man, so dress like it. Men don’t wear make-up - certainly not attractive men. No, if you want women to find you more attractive you shouldn’t wear foundation or eyeliner or any of that. Wear your scars and spots with pride. Only women are allowed to use make-up to cover any obvious flaws that they’re uncomfortable with. We hate a man who spends more time on his appearance than we do.
I tell you what: hair product is not attractive either. When you’ve used so much gel that I can’t run my fingers through your hair because they just keep rebounding off the surface, you’re doing it wrong. Stop styling your hair and stop spending so much time trying to make it look prim and proper. We don’t care. You know how feminine it is to obsess over your hair? That’s why we don’t want you to do it. We like manly men. We look at a man who’s obviously spent an hour styling his hair that morning and think “he’s more of a girl than me”.
Does that sound like a woman who’s interested? Really? We’ll judge you if you take too much care of your hair, but that doesn’t mean you can just stop taking care of yourself and everything’ll be fine: We’ll also judge you if you don’t look after it at all. What’s worse than rock solid hair-gelled locks? A greasy mop-top that your fingers stick to as you try to comb them through. It doesn’t take long to wash your hair, and maybe get it cut occasionally. So, don’t look after your hair too much, but we do want you to not look after it, too, because otherwise you’d just be dirty and unappealing.
What else is there..? Oh that’s right! Your accessories. Gold chains, huge over-sized watches, those ridiculous sporty sunglasses, beanie hats, novelty ties...I could go on and on. Stop trying to accessorise. It just isn’t working for any of you, I’m sorry. Jewellery is so feminine and we don’t want you to look like women. Then those sunglasses. They look stupid. They don’t look cool even on a sunny day. You look like a bad dad trying too hard to fit in with his kids in a way that makes him even more uncool than he was to begin with.
Beanie hats are frustrating because they have no purpose. You’ve got this piece of knitted material hanging off of the back of your head, looking like an old, moldy condom. It isn’t going to keep you warm and chances are it’ll fall off. All the time.
Then we have novelty ties. They’re not funny. They’re elementary and yeah, great, they show off your sense of humour, but most of them are so unoriginal that we don’t really want to know that’s what your sense of humour is really like, because we certainly aren’t going to find you funny if that’s the case. So, please stop accessorising. Although I don’t want you to wear no accessories at all – then you’ll just look boring, and that isn’t attractive either.
So, realistically speaking, the only thing I haven’t pointed out as being a turn-off is a suit. A full-on business suit, without point shoes and without a stupid tie. Think you guys can do that every day? I didn’t think so. I have come up with another alternative, though, that might be more appealing.
Since you care so much about what women think of your favourite trends, you obviously won’t want to wear them anymore. So here’s my proposal: Why don’t you just walk around naked, except for times when a suit is appropriate? That would make everyone’s jobs a lot easier. Since we won’t like anything you wear, because all your clothes are stupid and unattractive, you can avoid our judging you by not wearing clothes. That way you can be comfortable in the knowledge that women everywhere aren’t critiquing your poor fashion choices, and those very same women can look you up and down and decide in an instant whether they think you’re physically attractive enough for them or not (because of course all of our decisions are based on your physique and appearance).
What do you mean you don’t want to walk around naked? Well, that’s tough! Women are making it quite clear that they don’t like what you’re wearing so why aren’t you listening to us? We’re doing it for your own good. This way you can dress to be attractive to us and you’ll never have to dress for yourself again. Or did you want to dress for yourself? If you wanted to do that, you shouldn’t have told me that I can’t wear all of my favourite pieces of clothing. If I’m not allowed to wear my high-waisted skirt or my wedges because you don’t like them, then you definitely can’t keep sagging your jeans and wearing beanies.
Women don’t dress for you. We dress for ourselves and we don’t care whether you like our clothes or not. Sometimes we dress to be promiscuous and provocative, because it’s fun, and other times we dress in baggy sweats and T-shirts because it’s comfortable.
I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I’ll choose a certain fit of dress and a specific pair of shoes because they make me feel sexy and I know I look more attractive when I wear them, but I don’t wear it to attract men. I have a boyfriend, thanks, and he’s happy whether I’m wearing jeans and a Bon Jovi shirt or a close-fitting dress, because he isn’t a cretin.
Any of the men I would attract by dressing like that aren’t the sorts of men I’d like to meet, either way. My point is that I dress in a provocative way because it makes me feel good. The attention I sometimes get doesn’t make me feel good - I resent it - but I feel good within myself when I make the effort. I don’t care if you like my clothes or not, because they aren’t for you.
So, would you all do me a tiny little favour? Shut up and stop whining about whether or not you like the clothes that women wear. We don’t push you around and try to force you to wear the things we like the most all the time, so you have no right to tell us what to wear. We aren’t ever going to listen to you, so you might as well give up.
The day you all start following my advice from this article and start walking around naked because girls don’t like your clothes is the day I will start paying attention to your opinions on whether you prefer wedges to heels, and I’m pretty sure that day is never going to come.
Just a little warning for you, too: There’s now a way for women to reproduce successfully without men, so I wouldn’t upset your partner or female friends too much if I was you, or else you might find yourself made redundant.
Column by Ruby Hryniszak.
Ruby is a regular contributor to the Harborough Mail online.
Follow Ruby on Twitter, @13eautifulLife.